The Art of Flirting
by PaintedBlank
Summary: Lily's friends are giving her advice on how to flirt with James Potter, the object of her desires, but the results are disastrous due to a combination of misunderstandings, Lily's version of "flirting", a rubber chicken and general teenage awkwardness.


"What have you done this time Prongs? She's glaring at you from across the classroom," whispered Sirius. He was seated beside James at the desk where they were attempting to turn a ball of yarn into a kitten. So far Sirius had only managed to give their ball of yarn four tiny paws and a fluffy tail and it was trying to cause as much chaos as possible. James had his head in a Transfiguration textbook trying to work out where they were going wrong with their spell.

"Hmm? McGonagall? I haven't done anything wrong," James says, not looking up from his book as he was trying to gently push aside the ball of yarn that was attempting to climb onto the open book and settle down for a nap. "Well we've definitely given the yarn some kitten characteristics if it's trying to take a nap in the most inconvenient spot it can," James tutted pushing it in Sirius' hands.

"No no, not Minnie, Evans. Look at her, she looks like she's disgusted at something," Sirius gestured his head towards Lily Evans sitting at a desk across the room with a pained expression on her face, her mouth grimacing and her teeth bared. James looked over and shook his head at Sirius.

"I haven't done anything this time I swear, I've been too busy lately to get in trouble with her or anyone else for that matter. But she doesn't look angry to me she looks like she's going to be sick. She might have a stomach ache, Merlin only knows what was in that fish stew we had for dinner last night," James said grimacing at the memory and Sirius nodded in agreement. The yarn kitten was now trying its best to escape their desk and they turned their attention back to their work, the subject of Lily Evans' grimacing face forgotten. The taste of the fish stew sadly was not forgotten.

* * *

"Lily, will you please pay attention? I'm having a little trouble here." Lily snapped out of her daze and turned her head back to her transfiguration partner who was trying to fend off a yarn ball with claws that had climbed onto her head and was getting entangled in her hair.

"Sorry sorry, here let me get it out for you," she mumbled a little numbly as she started pulling the troublesome yarn ball's claws out of Marlene's hair one by one.

"What has gotten into you lately? You're distracted in class, you're not eating very well and you're behaving…oddly." The yarn ball with claws, now detangled from Marlene's hair was placed on the desk and was rolling around helplessly on its back.

"Have I?" Lily bit the insides of her cheeks worriedly, wondering how obvious she was being.

"Yes, now spit it out!"

"I think…I think I'm in love…or like or… something," she finally said, licking her lips nervously and looking down at the desk so as not to meet Marlene's eyes.

"Oh thank Merlin, I thought you were pregnant!"

Lily's eyes snapped back up to her friend's face and she turned red. "How…could you say…say that? You know I've never been...I've never even! I haven't even…snogged anyone," she spluttered and looked back down at the desk, hoping no one in her class had heard any part of this conversation. She looked around quickly to scan the room and saw most of her classmates too busy struggling with unruly balls of yarn in some stage of transformation to bother with eavesdropping.

"Oh Lily, you really need to remedy that. And quickly. You're 17 and you don't know what you're missing out on," tutted Marlene and started giving the yarn ball a belly rub.

"It's not that I didn't want to snog anyone…it's that I never got the opportunity!"

"You have to make your own opportunities then. Romance is rarely how it's portrayed in books or plays. Its sometimes messy and awkward and you'll never get what you want if you don't make any moves of your own, you prude."

"Well, no one ever taught me what moves to make or how to… snog. You know I don't get on with Petunia. Can you imagine her taking time to explain boys to me? Oh you're right! I'm 17, its too late for me. I might as well prepare for my life as a spinster and learn how to knit and play bridge and make meals for one," Lily groaned and hit her head against the desk.

"Lily, Lily, Lily. Calm down, you're getting worked up over this and I can tell it's taking a toll on you. But you're only 17 and you've got the rest of your longmagical life ahead of you. OUCH!" Marlene suddenly yelped, the yarn ball had decided the belly rub was now over and had decided to scratch her. She sucked on the blood on the back of her hand and continued, "I'll guide you through this. Well, me and Witch Weekly will guide you through this. And the other girls in the dorm. What could possibly go wrong?"

The bell rang signalling the end of class and they dropped their ball of yarn into the box in the front of the class room, McGonagall assuring the class that they'd have more time next class to work on perfecting their kittens.

As they were leaving the classroom Marlene turned to Lily, "You still haven't told me who it is you know, the one you're supposedly in love with?"

"Marlene, sssh!" Lily hissed grabbing her friend's arm and looking pointedly at the backs of four boys leaving the classroom in front of them.

"Oooh, is it Remus? Tell me it is! You two would be perfect together," Marlene coos.

"Marlene!" Lily screeches, "Maybe, maybe not. But I am definitely not telling you that in the middle of the hallway while we are surrounded by nosy students," Lily says blushing furiously.

* * *

"Bad luck Prongs, I'm sorry mate. I'll try to stop doing whatever it is I'm doing that makes her so attracted to me," Remus tries consoling James once they're back in their dormitory. But it doesn't seem to be working so he tries humouring him, "But where do I start? I've got so much going for me. Is it the bags under my eyes, the dashingly ordinary brown hair, my distractingly large shoe collection or how I turn into a big hairy fanged monster once a month?"

"But… she didn't say she liked Remus. We don't know who she likes at all. Don't you think we're jumping to conclusions?" asked Peter, the voice of reason.

"Nah Pete, did you see how red her face was when she stalked past us? She was embarrassed beyond belief, she definitely likes Remus and was embarrassed that we overheard her say it, it's simple really," said Sirius lying on his stomach trying to find something under his bed.

"Yeah, I think I'm going to have to finally step aside Peter. If she says she likes Remus then I won't get in the way of her happiness. I'm tired of seeing her angry and unhappy with me, she deserves more than that. She deserves to be with someone she wants to be with," James says glumly, face down on his bed, his pillow muffling his words.

"Alright mate, it's your call. But for the record, I don't see Lily as more than a friend so she might still be unhappy either way," Remus told James. James only nodded and turned his body away from his friends and began to sulk. Sirius finally found what he was looking for under his bed and quietly put it under his robes before his mates noticed.

* * *

"James? Potter? James Potter?" Marlene said excitedly, they were both sitting on Lily's bed eating chocolate digestive biscuits, "Really, after all of this time? Didn't you fancy him way back in third year?"

"It's always been James, on and off since third year, he has had his bad moments of course but I could never find someone else I liked as much as him," nodded Lily biting her lip and trying not to smile too widely now that her secret was finally out, "there's something about cocky arrogant bastards that just gets me so…turned on," she whispered the last part. This made Marlene burst into laughter and soon Lily was laughing too.

"Well I certainly didn't see this coming. But if you like him so much then why are you always so rude to him?"

"I don't really know why. It's exciting to have him yell at me, see his eyes flash and his hands crumple his hair. He doesn't react like that with anyone else. I almost see it as our own special way of flirting, that no one else can have. I just wish I could, you know flirt with him without insulting him all the time but I just don't know how to do it. I always like to imagine that one day after one of our big rows as I'm stalking off angrily, he'll just grab my wrist, push me against a wall and snog me senseless. But it never happens, of course."

"Hahahaa that's ridiculous Lily only you would think that getting a man so angry he can barely think would lead him to seduce you. I have another question, why were you glaring at him in class today?"

"I wasn't glaring! I was trying to will him to look at me using subtle mind control tricks"

"That is the barmiest thing I have ever heard."

"I know! But he's stopped arguing with me, he's stopped staring at me in classes lately, he's probably just been too busy with NEWTS and Head Boy duties and Quidditch, but it feels like he's just not interested anymore. Teach me the mysteries of your feminine wiles Marlene, I'm rubbish at this! I'm a talented witch, I can make a patronus, but I can't make a silly boy like me back!"

"But surely, James Potter already likes you? After he asked you out in fifth year and you rejected him he hasn't dated anyone nor has he seemed interested in anyone else."

"That was two years ago Marlene, and he could easily have a girlfriend outside of Hogwarts that we've never heard of. Some pureblood bitch I bet," Lily said viciously biting into another chocolate digestive biscuit and getting crumbs everywhere.

"And I haven't seen any little signs from him lately, there used to be subtle thing you know. He'd hold doors open for me or pull out my chair and then…I snapped at him at the beginning of the year, told him I could do all of these things myself and he stopped. Now he's just courteous and polite and everything I've asked him to be but not what I fell in love with him for! I've created some sort of polite monster!" she wailed burying her head in the nearest pillow.

"Oh Lily, you've got yourself in quite the fix haven't you? I think the first step will be to try being nice to him, no more of your "angry flirting", try being friendly. Try being more like Remus or Peter to him, a buddy, a pal. Try being funny, tell him jokes. You know that kind of stuff. Lads love a funny friendly bird."

Lily groaned.


End file.
